Woooah I haven't blogged in like 3 weeks! I've been so busy during the week and then the weekend just never seems right for blogging somehow.. it takes so long and I forget a lot that's happened during the week and I feel like I should be studying or something instead, but right now I'm kinda down and frustrated so I don't think I'll be very good for studying! Sooooo just a warning, this became a super super long post with not much to do with Japan and a whole lot to do with me contemplating my existence and future, soooo.... if you're looking for "We ate *eel* on rice the other day, isn't that wacky?!" you can just go ahead and not read this one ^^;;
The last three weeks have kinda stabilized in terms of my schedule and stuff. Japanese class is getting more predictable which means I know better what parts I need to study for the tests so I'm doing a little better. I've still been frustrated with the whole learning process though. I know I need to spend a lot of extra time studying to catch up for the proficiency test in the fall, but I feel like.. a sponge that's already completely saturated and nothing else is gonna soak in right now. And the stuff I'm studying in class feels so far beyond what I have a foundation in that it's like not even that wants to stick, so everything is just being sort of thrown at me and it feels like not much is really staying with me. I know that doesn't change the fact that I have to do as much as I can while I'm here if I wanna finish my major easily when I get back, it just gets to be really overwhelming emotionally sometimes.
G Splash practice is Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday, though it's gonna be every day for next week since we have a performance on Saturday. I'm still having fun, but there have been a few annoying things with that, mostly in just the way the practices are run, lack of information, and the amount of money they expect you to spend on the club. After club fees, two nomikais (meet and drink parties, pretty much the only way to get to know people in the club), performance fee (what?), and buying my "costume" for our performance I've spent almost $200 on this club. I understand that I'm paying for the experience, and the lessons, and meeting new people, it just seems excessive. On the upside, I did get to know this really nice girl at the last nomikai and she's absolutely perfect in that she wants to help me with my Japanese and wants me to help her with her English. I'm very excited for that =)
Speaking of dance, So You Think You Can Dance Season 4 started last week! I got totally hooked on that show last summer and it's the only thing I'm going to let myself watch on YouTube for the rest of the semester. I totally love it. I got nostalgic and started watching some videos from last year, and I really wish I could do the sort of moves Danny and Neil could do. They were both suuuuper trained in ballet. I kinda might like to take some real dance classes once I'm back in the states.
Watching that show really inspires me because of the way the people there can control their bodies and move so beautifully, but at the same it gets me so depressed and confused in a lot of ways. Once I start reading about how they've been doing dance for so long and worked so hard at it and now they're amazing dancers, I start wondering what I've done with my 21 years here. I've kind of gotten into some hobbies here and there, I was pretty good at music for a while, but I've always struggled with knowing that I've never really found that "passion" for anything. I've thought I might have found it a couple of times, but in the end I never keep the dedication or interest. I've always been extremely jealous of those kinds of people who find something, anything, that they're absolutely in love with doing and dedicate their lives to it and work really hard to become great at. I think this is different from the "What are you gonna do for the rest of your life" vs "Most people go through a lot of different professions in their lifetime" discussion. I feel like that discussion is for one type of people, the me type, and then there's the other people who find something they just must commit themselves to because they're so passionate about it.
I've always been a creative person. When I was little I always said I wanted to be an artist when I grew up, and I was always drawing or making something. I gave up that goal in high school on the basis that it didn't really seem like a practical profession where I could support myself, and I was getting irritated by my art classes then. I've played piano and French Horn since I was very young, and at about the time I moved on from my artist dreams, I decided I should probably go to music school for college since I wasn't really interested in anything else. I really really really didn't have the discipline or passion for it though and I couldn't even practice for my weekly lessons as it was. Then I really fell in love with my Chemistry class for a while and thought that would be my thing, I had encouragement from all around that someone who was a scientist and creative at the same time could go far. Chem II really kicked my butt unfortunately and I realized that dream was just a passing whim brought on from a really good teacher.
Then I discovered brain machine interfacing, a type of new technology that links up a person's brain waves with a computer so that you can basically command a computer or robotics with your thoughts. This was right when I was starting to apply for college, so I applied to the engineering departments of all my potential universities. I really had no background in math or science though, and all my extracurriculars were in the humanities, and in the end I had two offers: 1) University of Illinois couldn't let me into their Biomedical Engineering program, but I could choose another area and transfer later, 2) UVa suggested I apply to the College Arts and Science instead. I chose the second one for financial reasons, with intentions to transfer to the E-school after a year, but my C- in Calculus 131 first semester quickly made me realize that just because I got an A in AP Calculus at my tiny high school didn't mean I was actually able to do any math.
I was also taking a Psychology class then and really really liked the teacher and content, started working in that professor's lab, and was pretty seriously considering a psych major. My grades were pretty dismal in that department too, though, and I didn't really think I'd like a career as a researcher or professor. By this time I was really enjoying my Japanese classes and learning a new language, so in the end I decided on a Japanese major because I was getting the best grades in those classes and it was the only homework I looked forward to doing. At the time I remember telling my mom "Choosing the Japanese major is the most sure I've felt about anything since I came to college." At her encouragement though, I also picked up the Media Studies major to add some more marketable skills to my resume.
I still haven't been able to answer the question of what I'm going to do with a Japanese major after college. At one point I was thinking that working for a magazine like Shoujo Beat (an English manga magazine) would be a lot of fun and use both of my majors. I think one of my big turning points in my philosophy on what I should do with my skills and career, however, happened when I went on the NYC Media Studies trip in January of this year. We went to a lot of different media places like magazine and newspaper publications, and heard from a lot of people in the media business. At this point, some feelings I had started to notice during the fall semester were becoming more defined. I started feeling very strongly that I didn't want to just work on another magazine to be put out there for someone to buy, or make another TV show for someone to watch. I think to put it simply, there's already enough consumerism in the world, and I don't feel like it would be a very justifiable use of my education and skills to just add to that. Nobody needs another magazine or TV show and there will always be people out there to make more without me in the group too.
My time in Japan has made that feeling even stronger, after visiting places like Shibuya and Shinjuku, and Harajuku, where consumerism is the very heartbeat of the city, but now I'm starting to question my position on creativity and art as well. This thought has just been wracking my brain for the last two months, and I don't even know how to begin to think about it, but more and more I'm just feeling like... art is selfish, hobbies are selfish, who am I to spend my time and energy and abilities just on things that are fun for me or something that I enjoy doing, when I've been so blessed with opportunities and have the power and option to use my existence to help others and the less fortunate. Some might argue that doing art and music is a wonderful thing that gives back to people and inspires people, etc etc, and I do feel it's a wonderful thing and its something I've loved my whole life, but what about those people who aren't in a position where they have the option of enjoying art? What about people who are barely making it day to day, or who live in a place that doesn't even have drinkable water anywhere nearby, or whose homes have been destroyed by a natural disaster? Is it really ok for me to use my education and stable financial condition to play on the computer, draw pictures somebody might like, become a dancer, sew myself some silly costumes, or have a career that can only help the people who don't really need it that much?
I feel responsible, and I feel guilty for being so far away from accepting that responsibility right now. Thoughts like these make me wonder how I made the decisions that got me here, learning a language I don't intend to use once I've graduated, just living day to day, spending money, using energy, the ridiculous things I've spent money on, the food I've thrown away, the sweets I've spent too much money on, the shoes I've bought, the pointless research I'm doing on game centers for my class that isn't going to help anyone, the time I'm wasting. I know none of these things change the situation I'm in and the fact that I just have to get through this semester and get home, but I can't shut these thoughts off somehow and they fill my head every single day and are just making it difficult to stay focused and positive.
I feel like a lot of people might tell me that it's crazy to feel guilty about doing things for yourself, and that I'm setting myself up for a miserable life to have that expectation of myself, and I agree that you'll go crazy without having things you just do for yourself and your own gratification, things you're interested in. But I don't believe in myself making a career out of it, as much as I enjoy art I don't have the passion for it first of all, and I don't believe in it as a justifiable career for me. Yet at the same time I watch these shows and see other people in artistic careers and just start longing for the things I might have done like that, or the ability to express myself that way. I need something in between somehow. Something that lets me truly help others but in a way that is satisfying to me. Now that I think about it, in all of my essays for study abroad programs/scholarships, when asked how I wanted to use Japanese in my future career, I said I didn't have any idea yet, and the only two things I did know I wanted to do was to help people and be creative. I think I'm just starting to understand the depths of those feelings now.
I would hate to say all these things and then say that I'm just being completely static here in Japan and not living in accordance to any of those life philosophies I believe in. I try and use as little energy as I can in my room, I've stopped buying sweets on a regular basis after I realized how much money I was just wasting away on them (particularly after I foolishly bought a really expensive piece of cake because it was a whole 10% off), when researching the game centers for my paper I don't really play any games while I'm there, I always give something to the homeless guy by my school if he's out, but that's about the extent of what my time and opportunities allow right now. I feel very stuck here, almost tricked. I tricked myself into coming here and now I have to finish what I've started whether I like it or not.
I'm not sure where I'll begin to look for jobs or career plans once I'm back in the states.. it's a matter of finding that passion in some kind of service. It's clear with my moves from art, to music, to chemistry, to biomedical engineering, to psychology, to japanese, to something completely different, that I am very very quick to fall for an idea and then abandon it after not too long. I'm just going to keep praying as hard as I can that God will show me the way to the most appropriate jobs for me, the ones that will make me the most happy and use my abilities as well as possible. Over Christmas break I started developing this feeling that I feel very powerful. I have my education, I have my financial stability, I can write, I have a computer, I can create, I have the venues and abilities to influence. I hold a lot of power and so do a great number of people in the world, I just don't think we realize it. I have an amazing power, I just don't know how to control it, or where to use it yet. I just know I have to use it somehow for good. I could try and ignore it and go back to the way I've lived most of my life, but I'm not sure I could. I think I could be happy in waves by ignoring it, but I'd have to keep trying to justify it to myself and make excuses, and I think knowing I was doing that would just make me unhappy.
I also want to say that I don't think these feelings apply to everyone. If your passion is art or dance or making a magazine or movie or TV show, then go for it. I know a lot of artists, musicians, actors, and other people who are doing things I could never do and I think it's a perfect fit for them. I think if you have a passion, that sort of trumps everything, there's no way you could try and do anything else and be happy. Maybe it's that I don't have a passion for something so specific, but my passion is for using my abilities in a certain way.
Sooooooo, that was a very long and personal post, which is kind of weird I guess, but it's been something I've been wanting/needing to talk about for a long time and I'm interested to see what others think about it. I guess I'm also trying to justify to myself why I can't seem to concentrate on anything and I'm getting lost in thought so often these days, and feeling frustrated. I think prayer is the answer for me, I just have to remember it and trust God and not get so caught up in my own emotions.
I should be about the same level of busy as I am now for the rest of the semester, so I'm not sure how much more interesting blogging I'll be doing from here on out, but if I have some time or something interesting happens, I'll try and post! Thanks to anyone who read through all this, and I'd be interested in hearing if you have an opinion on it. I hope I don't sound too serious or dramatic or whatever, I think just being here in general puts all my thoughts on hyper mode and emotions seem more extreme. Having an hour on the packed train every day with nothing to do but stare out the window and think might have something to do with it too!
Some things other people wrote that sound a little better:
"My mind races with all my longings
But can't keep up with what I got" - Bright Eyes, "Road to Joy"
"I noticed tonight that the world has been turning
while I've been stuck here, dithering around
...
I noticed tonight that the world has been turning
while I've been stuck here, withering away" - Keane, "Can't Stop Now"
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." - Proverbs 3:5-6
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." - Proverbs 16:9
"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." - Proverbs 19:21
"Do not wear yourself out to get rich; have the wisdom to show restraint. Cast but a glance at riches, and they are gone, for they will surely sprout wings and fly off to the sky like an eagle." - Proverbs 23:4-5
"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy." - Proverbs 31:8
"Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." - James 4:17
"Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Make level paths for your feet; so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed." - Hebrews 12:12-13
"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own: you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." - 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
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21 comments:
Loooog but interesting!
Some said that God help those who help themselves. If true, you probably should help yourself first to find creative ways to help others, since that seems to be your passion after all said and done. Have you thought about becoming a nurse, a nun, or a Peace Corp. volunteer? Try not to save the whole world all at once, for that would leave the rest of us nothing to do!
Thank you for sharing your journey to enlightenment with some of us "stalkers." Do keep it going.
Thanks for the comment =)
I've been thinking about creative ways to make a difference and things like that some while I've been here, but more along the lines of a traditional career like one I might have normally considered before I started feeling this way. Sort of like, trying to find the right organization or company to become a part of or a movement to join. There's a good chance I'll be married in a few years and my location will probably be determined by where is best for his job, so those factors rule out nunnery and Peace Corp (according to their website they don't send volunteers anywhere in the U.S. or Japan, the only two countries we'd really consider living in).
I'd been thinking about things like green campaigns, since the environment is something that everyone can do something to change and help, and the only thing that seems to keep people from doing so is attitude or outlook on the situation, so it seems like something feasible to change through a creative movement of some sort.
I've seen my mom go through the nursing program over the past three years and I absolutely know it's not something I'm cut out for. The course work is so intense, and it's much in the same style as the psych and bio classes I've taken and done poorly in. On top of that, I feel myself becoming physically anxious and uncomfortable when I so much as hear or read about medical procedures or disorders, so... not only do I have no passion for nursing, I don't think I'd be capable of it, haha.
I will continue thinking of what my options are and what sounds good to me, and I'll start keeping a list of those things and keep an eye out for them...
Have you check out some green-related PACs work? While the pay may be low to none, the work can be really rewarding.
Yet another reason to marry a rich husband :)
This too shall pass. Thank God!
Hmmmm, I like your post. What's your Myers-Briggs type?
Maybe since you have a combined interest in media/creativity/science/helping others etc, you might be interested in doing documentary or public service style media. You would be raising awareness for good causes, etc. Or maybe look into working for nonprofits. I know people that work for nonprofits managing their grants etc to keep programs funded. One in particular works for a community based nonprofit that does campaigns in the public schools (mostly) and she has to be creative as far as how they get the word out, what programming to run, how to get the message to kids, new grants and programs they might be able to do etc. So, maybe not creative in a traditional fine arts sense, but in a "think outside the box" sense. Or there are people that are strictly in charge of creative fundraising for different causes and groups.
Okay, that last post was me. I just don't know what I'm doing. :)
Hey kiddo~
That was an extremely long blog and I'm glad to see that I'm not the only Wilson child with conflicting things going on. I agree with everyone else in here that looking into non-profit/green endeavors is a good place to start. The green movement has some serious legs and is only going to continue to grow over the coming decades, but will only grow with people like you who are seriously interested in making a difference.
You say that you don't feel like you've ever found a real "passion" for anything but couldn't your "passion", the thing you do that makes you feel the most fulfilled be working to help the environment/others? If that were ever possible, then you will have combined your passion with your career and I'm pretty sure that is the ultimate goal.
Also, while it isn't non-profit/green, you can always lean on me to help you get a foot in the door in our media departments at DIGITAS. I can't promise anything but we have offices in Boston, NYC, Chicago, San Fransisco, London and Beijing with more opening very soon. It may not be the altruistic route you are looking for immediately, but it may be a good starting point to get you some exposure in the media field and to help you develop some tools that you can then hone in a field that helps others more directly.
I agree with the first anon comment also, "try not to save the whole world at once" You've got a long and happy life ahead of you kiddo. I recently sat down...ironically while watching SYTUCD Season 4...and contemplated a lot of the same things you have. What have I done in 24 years? What do I want to do? I know I want to leave an imprint on this world with more people than just those immediately around me. I want to effect some good eventually and I feel like I've started down that path by putting myself in a position that is not necessarily high profile or really all that beneficial, but it will give me the tool set I need to keep moving forward.
Other than that, I chuckled at the anon comment asking you what your Myers-Briggs type was. One of the women in our department is running that whole thing for us right now, so I'll know mine soon.
Umm...other news. I positively rawk at Rock Band drums now. You need to know this because I did a lot of flailing around back when. I can 5 star nearly every song on hard and can finish a lot of songs on expert. We have near weekly rock band parties. Today we're starting with the all Boston set...so all 7 Boston songs...which it turns out was Mom's first concert in Carbondale. How about that?
Wow...this has gotten long-winded and probably better suited for an e-mail..but alas to ctrl-a, ctrl-c, ctrl-v is too much effort this morning.
E-mail me sometime and I'll tell you the story about catering a second wedding in Phoenix 12 years later.
Spoiler alert...I "broke" a gate and had an elderly lady raise hell about it.
Keep your chin up and eyes proud kiddo. The amount of introspection and careful consideration you are already giving to your life, your experience and your future is light-years ahead of your average 21 year old college student and based on my experience in recruiting at DIGITAS, people like you rise to the top and succeed very quickly.
I know whatever you wind up doing will end in success and I'm proud to have you as a sister...cause well then I can point at you from where ever I happen to be and go..."that's my kid sister changing the world"
Love you kiddo. I'm always here via e-mail if you need a touchstone at home. Miss you and look forward to having you back stateside.
Gees, r u sure u'r only 21? Sounds like ur in a mid-life crisis already.
Let's be real, girl. If all else fails, u can always channel ur passion into ur hubby and kids. Or ur bro! Yea, u can always live ur dreams thru others! That'd be cool.
Let's be real, girl.
Listen to your big brother, Nat. With a brother like yours, you can't go wrong!
Hey Natalie,
I have been thinking about you and hoping all is going well for you. I thought you might like to hear what is going on in your DBC class. We started a new series called ID: The True You. It is written by Mark Batterson who has written some excellent books. He is the lead pastor of National Community Church in Washington, DC. NCC is one church with two locations the movie theaters @ Union Station and the movie theaters @ Ballston Common Mall. His core congregation is 20 something singles. Anyhow, I want to catch you up on some awesome lessons from this book. Some of this is direct quotes.
You have a choice to make: are you going to base your identity on who you are,how you look, what you have, what you do? Or are you going to base your identity on who God is and what God can do? That choice will determine who you become. He goes on to say, I sense a seismic shift in my life. It's the only thing that qualifies my writing. It started with a single thought during a season of prayer & fasting this past summer: too many of us base our identity on what we can do for God instead of basing our identity on what God can do for us. That one thought has totally revolutionized what I see when I look in the mirror. I have found such freedom and joy and rest in the simple fact that my identity is not based on what I can do for God, but on what God has done, can do, and will do for me. PS: Mark said, "I began my college career at the U of Chicago as a pre-law major, but ended up pursuing ministry after a prayer walk through a cow pasture in 1989".
This is also good: The English word "opportunity" comes from the Latin phrase ob portu. In the days before modern harbors, ships had to wait till flood tide to make it into port. The Latin phrase ob portu referred to the moment in time when the tide would turn. The captain and crew would wait for that moment, and knew that if they missed it, they would have to wait for another tide to come in.
As you know at 40, Moses tried to accomplish God's plan too soon-before the tide had turned. He became impatient. He got tired of idling in neutral. He wanted to do something, anything to help his people. But he did not wait for the tide to turn. He acted too soon. At 80, he thought it was too late. But in the words of F. Scott Fitzgerald, "Never confuse a single mistake with a final mistake." In other words, don't put a period where God puts a comma!
Natlie, someday you will look back on this time and will have a clear understanding of why you studied in Japan. Just remember this, God has plans for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Keep reading the Word and praying. He will guide your steps. When you can't trace His Hand, trust His Heart. I love you and am praying for you. Rhonda
Ask not what you can do for God; ask what God can do for you?
God created man's free will, or man's free will created God??
God makes choices for you, or you make choices about God, or God makes choices for itself, or you make choices for yourselves???
A brother in need is a brother indeed.
笑-笑
Hey Nat, been reading your blog off and on, and I just have to say I think you're selling yourself short on the whole learning thing in Japan. You obviously are discovering a lot about yourself and life, even if you don't take a career path that will use the Japanese language. Hang in there with the semester abroad and remember... it's just school. Take what you can from it and move on to what's awaiting you. I'm very proud of you for all you've accomplished and your many gifts and talents. Don't take them lightly though, as they are that - gifts from God. What you do with them is up to you, but not everyone has the opportunity to perform music that enriches the lives of those who hear it, or paint a picture that provokes the minds of those that view it, or write thoughts on paper that can inspire others to greatness. You have these as tools... not as selfish hobbies that you may think sometimes self-indulgent. While I applaud your desire to serve man and help make a difference in the world, I think you're being a little hard on yourself for enjoying life. God didn't put us here as punishment - it's okay to enjoy the beauty of life and the arts and artistic minds like yourself are one of his blessings to us to make this life more enjoyable. Now, for career guidance here's what came to me... There are many kinds of art therapy you could go into. Have you considered looking into areas of study that would let you help rehabilitate or bring comfort to those with disabilties...such as autistic children, elderly, or physically challenged as part of their therapy? There are all kinds of studies that show the value of music and color and the creative process in helping others overcome obstacles in their lives. This seems as much like what you've describe you want as anything - so you don't have to give up all your artistic wants but would be using it in a humanitarian way to improve lives. Just some thoughts. You're wise beyond your years. I should have done some more of that thinking myself at your age. But at the same time, don't forget to let yourself enjoy the journey along the way... you have plenty of time to figure it out. So hang in there and know you're not alone in this. Can't wait to have you back home Nat. Love you!
Congratulations! This is the most commented (popular?) post of all "Life in Japan" blogs. You should get extra credit/dessert for this. 笑OL!
Okay, that last post was me. I just don't know what I'm doing. :)
Okay, I think I got it. The last 2 posts were from me.
Um,I wanted to be the supportive mom and respond to your lengthy introspection but everyone else has pretty much covered it. I'm just going to go on to bed and have a little cry over how proud my two babies make me. I am wondering right now why I felt compelled to go back to school instead of just sitting around for the next 25 years enjoying watching you guys continue to evolve through adulthood. Maybe there's a genetic component/borderline personality disorder compelling us to DO SOMETHING RELEVANT! If so, all I've got to say is "sorry". Natalie, you will find your way; breathe deeply, relax for at least 5 seconds and try to get yourself out of the high alert mode you have had to live in for so many months to make the study abroad gig happen. I think mere fatigue may be part of what is causting you to feel so conflicted and unable to enjoy the good parts about your stay. Many love you and are praying for you daily.
Of course mom is right (and we thought dad knows the best!) and she shouldn't be sorry at all. But, being RELEVANT is so relative and subjective. Natalie may use more ideas on doing something that is of absolute, objective and immediate relevance.
And, don't we all?
Nat-chan,
I struggle with the same crisis of conscience all the time. Back at UVA I had a friend who lived in the apartment below me who was one of those extremely socially involved types - Madison House, Alternative Spring Break and such. On weekends she'd bag lunches for the homeless.
She wasn't an exceptionally outgoing or popular person - she did all these things quietly, on her own time - she just had a big heart. She'd throw herself into her activities with such energy and enthusiasm that I often had trouble maintaining our friendship because of the personal guilt I felt when I compared myself to her.
I don't have any easy solutions for you.
But, let's take stock: even I, who hardly know you, can tell that you've had a significant impact on the world around you. This may sound a little cheesey, but, if you truly are considering marriage, then obviously you've helped at least one person in a way nobody else was able to do.
Or, on a smaller scale, how about that girl in G-splash who you're gonna help with her English? It seems to me you've found a number of unselfish roles for yourself.
Going out of your way to help people in physical need is admirable, but first learn to be satisfied with who you are. I often find it relaxing to remember that life doesn't have a goal, except perhaps to hold the door open for a strangers and smile. Living together positively is what this planet is all about.
As for art... I want to publish a novel someday. This isn't an idle thought - except, I'm worried it IS an idle thought. I have ideas, but as they stand they're not very good. They're only the loose beginnings of what could eventually be turned into something profound. The big next step is to strap myself in and work at it. But, instead, I go play videogames.
Art is not selfish. I can't express why I feel this way, and I frequently worry that I'm only rationalizing my own love of literature, but deep down I think that it is what I believe.
Earlier today I was unpacking the last of what I brought home from school, and as I struggled to find a place in my childhood room for my fourth large crate of books, it finally hit me, how many hours and days and months and perhaps even years of my life I've whiled away in bed, turning pages of fiction. But I don't think that it was time wasted. If the power, insight, and personal strength I draw from literature is false, then I have even less of an idea of what I'm doing in the universe than I thought.
Buck up! Keep at it! Strangers are rooting for you!
Erik
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